Envy
by shippershape
Summary: This is just a drabbley piece with Lindy pulling one of her usual stunts and Tommy being none too pleased with her. She feels the need to explain her habit of going in alone, and Tommy makers her a promise.


"I can't believe you did that." Lindy turned around at the sound of Tommy's voice, cringing at the anger on his face. "That was stupid. And reckless. You could have been killed." Lindy bristled. They were standing in a corner of the cyber crime unit, out of the way enough that Lindy wasn't worried about being overheard. Still, she didn't need to be reprimanded. She wasn't a child. She pressed her finger into his chest irritably.

"Have you not been paying attention? I could be killed in my living room. This psycho has been breaking into my apartment from day one. I'm not safe anywhere. I might as well make a play at catching him." She crossed her arms, trying not to let the concern on Tommy's face soften her irritation. He was just looking out for her, she knew, but she had lost more than anyone, and she'd hoped that Tommy of all people could understand that.

"You used yourself as bait, without backup, in the middle of the night. It was a suicide mission. If Yeager hadn't followed you…" He trailed off, but Lindy got the picture. She sighed.

"What do you want, Tommy? For me to apologize? To promise to be a good girl and stay indoors and not even shower without an escort? You know I can't do that." She stared helplessly up at him. This was their impasse. Her independence had been causing friction in the investigation, more specifically between the two of them, since she'd agreed to work with them. She was set in her ways, and he was a worrier at heart, and this was an argument they had daily. Nothing had changed, but it was starting to become tiresome and they were going to have to find a way to work around it.

"I just want you to be safe." Tommy said, his gaze intense enough to send a shiver down her spine. Then the look was gone, replaced by something more casual. "I mean, that's my job. Not that you make it easy." His frown, the one that Lindy was beginning to think was permanently etched on his face, softened into a smile. "But if you really want someone to cover you while you shower I'm sure I could get one of the guys around here to volunteer." Lindy rolled her eyes.

"I think I've had enough of people watching me get undressed for now, but thanks." The smile slipped off his face.

"What?"

"I just meant that my webcam has been on and off and I didn't know, so…" Lindy hesitated, gauging Tommy's reaction. Apparently this was news to him.

"He's been watching you change? And you didn't tell me?" He looked livid. Again. Fighting the urge to groan and pull her sweater up over her face, Lindy shrugged.

"It doesn't matter what he saw, you know he tapped my webcam, and he hid cameras in my apartment. They're off now." She let her hand drift to rest on his forearm. "Look, I know you don't understand what I'm doing, but I have my reasons."

"I know about your reasons."

"No." Lindy shook her head. "You don't get it. Do you know what I felt when we went to the Becker house? When I watched Mrs. Becker find out her daughter was killed?" Tommy opened his mouth, but didn't respond. "I felt envy. I wanted that." He looked confused.

"Wanted what?"

"Closure. How awful is that? I was standing there, watching this woman's whole life dissolve in front of me and all I could think was 'maybe that would be better'." She looked down at her hand, pulling it away. She hadn't told anyone that, hadn't planned on telling anyone. But she needed him to understand what she was doing, she needed him to know.

"Lindy-"

"I wanted her to be dead. Just for a second. I just wanted to know." Her voice shook, and she glanced out the window, at the whiteboard, anywhere but him. Then she felt something brush her cheek. She looked back at him, and leaned her face into the hand that was cupping it. There was something addictively soothing about his touch. Lindy tried not to read too much into that. "I just want to know." She whispered, and then the dam broke. A sob ripped it's way from her throat, and Lindy, Lindy who never cried, who had shed a few tears on the roof for Ben and then kept her eyes dry for weeks, Lindy who was stronger than anyone Tommy had ever met, she broke down. He gathered her easily into his arms as she cried, as the years of frustration and bottomless questions and pain bubbled to the surface. He held her, arms wrapped around her so tightly she could barely breathe, but in that moment she thought those arms were the only thing holding her together.

"We'll find them." He whispered, and her fists curled around the fabric of his shirt because he was the only thing she had to hold onto. "I promise you, we'll find them."


End file.
